About a week ago, my roommate was going to be on a certain daytime talk show getting her hair cut by some celebrity hair stylist. I'm not quite sure how she got involved in that, but it in now way surprises me because this is the kind of stuff she does.
Because I'm super nice (and also because I had nothing else to do) I went to the taping of the show to see her "reveal" of her new hair style. Two things (unrelated to each other) you should know is that 1) I'm not going to say what show it was because I don't want you watching it and 2) my roommates hair is already gorgeous and it makes me hate her on the daily because I just can't do cool things with my hair.
We got to the lot super early for seemingly no reason whatsoever, and then sat around for two hours, super hungry and in need of coffee. Finally, at one in the afternoon, the show got on the road. The show's host came out and girls got excited and I had to fake a smile the whole time in case they filmed me, so that it would make the show look good. Smiling for no reason, while I'm just sitting there staring at a wall, is not my idea of a good time and it's kind of a lot of work. Am I wrong about this? I've never been able to understand people who smile, like, all the gd time. Then again, sometimes I do consider it because then maybe guys would stop trying to be all cute and flirty by telling me to smile when the only thing I'm doing is walking. It might be worth it. What are we talking about?
Oh, so my roommate comes out and of course looks great because her hair pretty much looks the same, only shorter, because what more could you do, ya know? But then, THEN, I had to stand up and talk to the show's host about what I think.
Now, I had some time to anticipate this because they had cut a few other people's hair that morning, and their friends and family had to talk about what they thought. So when I saw this happening, I knew that my time was coming.
Not only did I have to worry about answering some off-the-cuff question about my roommate's hair, but I was super conscious of the fact that there was a huge scratch all the way down my face because this was the morning after the
Dog Incident of Twenty-Twelve. You guys saw a picture right after I had been brutally attacked, but the next day it was much worse (for realsies).
So the entire time they're "revealing" the other people, I'm searching through my head for something to say that doesn't sound completely stupid, but also doesn't sound really weird and creepy. Because when I'm nervous and put on the spot that is a thing that I do.
The time comes for my roommate to come out, and they show her Before Picture, and the host says, "her hair is already gorgeous" so I immediately know I'll work off that. Before I know it, my roommate is sitting on the couch with the stylist who cut her hair and I'm asked to stand up to talk to the host, and she asks what I think, and I say "well you were right, her hair was already awesome. So now I get to be even more jealous." Boom. People laughed and I was feeling pretty good with myself because, if you've spent time talking with me one-on-one you're probably aware that nothing makes me happier than when people genuinely laugh at something I say. I can't help it guys, I want to be funny, that's all I want but don't get me off topic.
BUT THEN. The stupid host has to KEEP TALKING TO ME and asks "well, do you want your hair cut?" I stop. In my mind I'm freaking out; I'm not prepared for the question and I'm terrible at improv. So the ONLY thing that comes out of my mind is an unintelligible "uuuhhhmmmmhhh" and then the host basically says, and I'm paraphrasing, "okay, weirdo, sit down now."
THIS IS MY LIFE NOW.
And it's also why I'll never try out improv comedy.
-A
UPDATE: This is why Darius is the best.
